Fenris (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wolfuncaged) wrote2015-01-29 01:00 am
wolfuncaged) wrote2015-01-29 01:00 am
IC CONTACT - DRIFT FLEET
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 "un/finished")
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I do not regret it, if that is what you mean. I regret hurting her, but not him. Never him.
[His feeling for Kirk are...less complicated than they are for Marian, but they are still complicated. Fenris' nicely instilled by Danarius feelings of self worth will always find a way to rear their ugly heads. But she IS right, that is the major difference. His tone is a lot quieter, he doesn't LIKE talking about this, he doesn't like prying open all that hurt and peeking at the scars his former master left behind inside him.]
...I can just be me with him. I do not have to be anyone else. I- she did not expect that of me, those insecurities were forged by my own hand.
[But they were there, and they would always BE there. ]
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In short, for once, she keeps her mouth shut. At least about that. Trying to explore that topic will not lead to any place good.]
They were, and now she's going to be the one to pay for those insecurities. [So is Fenris, but right now it's Hawke she's more sympathetic towards. Fenris made his bed, and now he's got to lie in it. Hawke doesn't have much of a choice in this.] It's just - I mean, you and Kirk - mostly you but he's not entirely blameless here - made this decision that heavily impacts somebody and couldn't be bothered to clue her in and after you tell Hawke, you two can skip off together into the sunset and she's left with what? At the risk of sounding like a child, it's so massively, cruelly unfair and she did nothing to deserve that.
[Riona's not unused to life being unfair or cruel, but it's so much worse when it could have been prevented. And doubly so when she tried to prevent it and still it happened. Why didn't you listen to me?]
If I were in her shoes and you were Alistair, this would kill me. Just absolutely gut me and leave me with nothing. Hawke's made of tougher stuff than I am, but still... [She sinks her head into her hands. Suddenly she's just beyond exhausted, everything catching up to her and really sinking in now.] I don't know. I'm just, I'm beyond angry and it's taking everything I have not to scream at you. But most of all, I'm just so disappointed in you. And I hope some part of you is, too.
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[He doesn't expect to have anyone after this. It hurts, but he already has a dull acceptance of it all. This is how things are. Whatever pain he gets is well deserved. Whoever he loses due to this is well deserved. Her disappointment cuts deep, expecting it as he was. ]
I am well aware she didn't deserve it, and of course I'm disappointed in myself. [A sharpness bubbles into his tone for a moment, before he pushes it back down. ] I have harmed people lives,perhaps irreparably, so yes, I am very disappointed in myself. If you think I am going to defend my actions here, you will be more disappointed. I already know they are defensible.
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She pinches the bridge of her nose.]
You know, I'm not sure if you're taking my words literally or not. [After the threesome incident, she's not assuming either way.] If you are, then of course there won't be any skipping. Kirk doesn't strike me as the type. [Her throat tightens as she considers the more likely option.] But if you aren't... you mean to say you don't think Kirk will want to be with you after this?
[While she hopes Kirk won't exactly feel great about it when he learns Marian didn't know, and while she remembers him saying he would have to have another talk with Fenris if she didn't, she never got the impression from him that it'd be a dealbreaker. Just an issue they'd need to hash out.]
Not more disappointed, no. It just confirms that there's a good person in there, even if he did do a shitty thing. I still kind of want to smack you, but... well, it wouldn't do much good. I'll leave that for Marian, if she so chooses.
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I did not give him reason to. He put his trust in me, and I used that against him. I was a coward.
[She's asking the guy with minus-zero self esteem if he thinks someone else can see past this very horrible thing, he's done. He knows, deep down, it's not what Kirk would do, but there it is all the same. ]
I don't aim to second guess anything any more. I know what the sensible option would be, for him.
[He's not convinced on the good person thing, but he wasn't convinced on that long before any of this happened. ]
She has every right to. I will speak with her now.
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Fenris...
[No, she needs to let him be, for now. There are too many emotions and loose ends hanging out to really properly talk about anything. This is all reactive and angry. Fenris has to do what needs to be done, and she needs to let him do it.]
All right. You do that. I... I need to step back right now anyway. Not tonight, and maybe not even tomorrow, but past that, if you need to talk, you know where to find me.
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...I will bear that in mind. Thank you.
[He means that. He doesn't understand why she is still offering a listening ear- but he very much appreciates it anyway.]
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Until then.
[With that, she hangs up. Now excuse her while she goes and cries because holy shit.]
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