Fenris (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wolfuncaged) wrote2015-01-29 01:00 am
wolfuncaged) wrote2015-01-29 01:00 am
IC CONTACT - DRIFT FLEET
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 "un/finished")
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I am well aware of that fact, thank you.
I will talk to her soon. She deserves that much.
[He doesn't know where it will go, nowhere good but it's better than where they're at. ]
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[She shakes her head.]
I know it must be nerve racking, and probably it's going to be difficult, but at least she'll appreciate you coming to her about it rather than trying to carry on something behind her back.
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[It's technically not lying if he doesn't affirm it. It's technically not. ]
I know. And I will. It is time she knew, however it inevitably goes. I will do so tonight.
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[Fenris. Fenris, buddy, please don't tell her you went further than that.]
That is all that happened, right? Just talking and maybe a bit more?
[She should have kept her mouth shut.]
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Don't ask questions you do not want to know the answers to.
[That was...a stupidly hostile way of answering her and he regrets that the second it comes out of his mouth, but it's done so there you go. ]
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Fenris, no. You didn't...
[Her shoulders sag.]
Maker's breath, you slept with him?
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Yes.
1/2
Riona has to get up from her seat and walk away for a few minutes. Exploding on Fenris would solve little, though she's not sure that won't happen, regardless. He might distantly hear a fist slam into a wall. Yup, she's just... a tiny bit mad.]
2/2
When she does sit back down, her fist is bunched up and pressing hard against her knee.]
What happened to you wanting to be a better man for her? That you didn't want to do this to her? Because what you and Kirk did is so monumentally shitty there aren't words. And you've now made that conversation with her five times harder than it had to be.
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He's surprised when it doesn't happen. His tone is sharp, but it's not directed at her. It's pointed inward. ]
I am not a better man. I was trying to be, but I'm not. I doubt I'll ever be. And yes I am very aware how shitty it was to do to her. You will get no arguments from me on that.
[It was a shitty thing because he is a shitty person. ]
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[Riona grimaces as she says it.]
That came out a bit wrong, but seriously. You don't get to hide behind the "I'm a shitty person and that's what I'll always be so why bother" argument. It won't work on me, because I know you're a good person. I see it in you. What, you think you slip up and you can just give up? Call it a day? Hurt whoever you want in the process? No, you don't. You keep trying and you do your best to make up for the mistakes you made along the way.
[Of course, there's not much bouncing back from this level of awful.]
Maker, I just want to scream at you and you bloody deserve it, but I also get why you did it. Not sure if it makes things better or worse, honestly.
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[He's not about to plead innocence here. He knows full well what he's done, and the ramifications of it. It would be easier if she DID just scream and rage at him. She's being reasonable,
and he honestly doesn't know how to handle that.]
I wish you did not see that in me, sometimes. It would be far easier to not try. [His tone suggests he does. Kirk told him to get professional help about this kind of thing, but he is absolutely not bringing that up right now. Even Fenris can tell that would be awful timing. ] I will tell her. Today.
[There's a pause, then, confused: ] ...You do?
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Well, too bad. You're not getting off that easy. [That damnable trait of having faith in friends.] Despite what you may think, you're not quite as terrible as you think you are. You're at least going to tell her, even if it's too late to prevent the damage that's been done. And you admitted you did a colossally awful thing. I just really, really fucking hope it's worth the pain you're about to cause her, I really do.
[A part of her doesn't want to think anything is worth what he's about to do to her, but she'd be doubly upset if this all occurred over a fling.]
I think so. I mean, you were torn over feeling like you weren't good enough for her, that you didn't stack up against the Fenris she knows in her Thedas. With Kirk, you don't have that problem. No insecurities, no "is this what her Fenris would do?" That's at least part of it, isn't it? Or am I wrong?
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I do not regret it, if that is what you mean. I regret hurting her, but not him. Never him.
[His feeling for Kirk are...less complicated than they are for Marian, but they are still complicated. Fenris' nicely instilled by Danarius feelings of self worth will always find a way to rear their ugly heads. But she IS right, that is the major difference. His tone is a lot quieter, he doesn't LIKE talking about this, he doesn't like prying open all that hurt and peeking at the scars his former master left behind inside him.]
...I can just be me with him. I do not have to be anyone else. I- she did not expect that of me, those insecurities were forged by my own hand.
[But they were there, and they would always BE there. ]
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In short, for once, she keeps her mouth shut. At least about that. Trying to explore that topic will not lead to any place good.]
They were, and now she's going to be the one to pay for those insecurities. [So is Fenris, but right now it's Hawke she's more sympathetic towards. Fenris made his bed, and now he's got to lie in it. Hawke doesn't have much of a choice in this.] It's just - I mean, you and Kirk - mostly you but he's not entirely blameless here - made this decision that heavily impacts somebody and couldn't be bothered to clue her in and after you tell Hawke, you two can skip off together into the sunset and she's left with what? At the risk of sounding like a child, it's so massively, cruelly unfair and she did nothing to deserve that.
[Riona's not unused to life being unfair or cruel, but it's so much worse when it could have been prevented. And doubly so when she tried to prevent it and still it happened. Why didn't you listen to me?]
If I were in her shoes and you were Alistair, this would kill me. Just absolutely gut me and leave me with nothing. Hawke's made of tougher stuff than I am, but still... [She sinks her head into her hands. Suddenly she's just beyond exhausted, everything catching up to her and really sinking in now.] I don't know. I'm just, I'm beyond angry and it's taking everything I have not to scream at you. But most of all, I'm just so disappointed in you. And I hope some part of you is, too.
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[He doesn't expect to have anyone after this. It hurts, but he already has a dull acceptance of it all. This is how things are. Whatever pain he gets is well deserved. Whoever he loses due to this is well deserved. Her disappointment cuts deep, expecting it as he was. ]
I am well aware she didn't deserve it, and of course I'm disappointed in myself. [A sharpness bubbles into his tone for a moment, before he pushes it back down. ] I have harmed people lives,perhaps irreparably, so yes, I am very disappointed in myself. If you think I am going to defend my actions here, you will be more disappointed. I already know they are defensible.
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She pinches the bridge of her nose.]
You know, I'm not sure if you're taking my words literally or not. [After the threesome incident, she's not assuming either way.] If you are, then of course there won't be any skipping. Kirk doesn't strike me as the type. [Her throat tightens as she considers the more likely option.] But if you aren't... you mean to say you don't think Kirk will want to be with you after this?
[While she hopes Kirk won't exactly feel great about it when he learns Marian didn't know, and while she remembers him saying he would have to have another talk with Fenris if she didn't, she never got the impression from him that it'd be a dealbreaker. Just an issue they'd need to hash out.]
Not more disappointed, no. It just confirms that there's a good person in there, even if he did do a shitty thing. I still kind of want to smack you, but... well, it wouldn't do much good. I'll leave that for Marian, if she so chooses.
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I did not give him reason to. He put his trust in me, and I used that against him. I was a coward.
[She's asking the guy with minus-zero self esteem if he thinks someone else can see past this very horrible thing, he's done. He knows, deep down, it's not what Kirk would do, but there it is all the same. ]
I don't aim to second guess anything any more. I know what the sensible option would be, for him.
[He's not convinced on the good person thing, but he wasn't convinced on that long before any of this happened. ]
She has every right to. I will speak with her now.
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Fenris...
[No, she needs to let him be, for now. There are too many emotions and loose ends hanging out to really properly talk about anything. This is all reactive and angry. Fenris has to do what needs to be done, and she needs to let him do it.]
All right. You do that. I... I need to step back right now anyway. Not tonight, and maybe not even tomorrow, but past that, if you need to talk, you know where to find me.
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...I will bear that in mind. Thank you.
[He means that. He doesn't understand why she is still offering a listening ear- but he very much appreciates it anyway.]
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Until then.
[With that, she hangs up. Now excuse her while she goes and cries because holy shit.]
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